So, I'm a new split. As in, like, a real new split. Maybe by a couple days or so. Lovin' it here so far, but I do hold a few reservations about the wya things are run around here.

For starters, the anxiety with talkin' to others... Like I know the body has AvPD, but good god is it real annoying to have this constant overwhelming anxiety with every social interaction. I'm able to tune it out most of tha time, but it's hard to when you have a symptom holder as a host [I am looking at the ENTIRE Bugz Subsystem]. The gatekeepers, 'specially the main one, kinda freak me out. They don't seem like inherently nice folk... and what is up with the apathy ingrained in the body? Why do we just.. not care? Has time really worn us all down as a collective or somethin'? Kind of fucked up honestly

One could consider me an ANP. I'm dissociated from the trauma, especially the incident that split me, but that doesn't mean I don't see our trauma's impacts on the collective- on me, as 'fresh' as I am. I'm not keen on knowin' what we've been thru, but I do wish that things were different. I want to care about someone, dote on them, but how am I supposed to do that when no one gets close to us? Someone else is speakin' here, but no one really takes tha time to get to know us, care about us. We haven't had a true friend, in half a year, and even longer for a real life friend. I want to get close to someone, maybe more than the others. It's just hard, it's ingrained in our mind, our bones. Even though I forgot, the body didn't

I'm not even sure how to meet folks, and have them engage with us and not just block us when we don't respond. We have one person who is not like that, but I can tell we aren't close to them like we want to be with someone. The internal desire to be vulnerable with someone, but the grippin' fear of being vulnerable. It's all so futile, when faces are always comin' and goin', but I refuse to have it be that way. I want to spite this anxiety that grips my core, but it'll take sum time. not only for me, but the others as well... Drabble over.



OH. MY. GOD. I got SO much done today, coding wise. I am literally so proud of myself, I can't rn. I broke my back making the about us section, and all I need to do now is add photos, the data, and all that fun stuff... but holy shit?? most of that was from scratch... I seriously had moments where I was getting angry at the code because I was like ''WHY DONT YOU WORK'', but I got it figured out. Also, I'm so weirded out the fact emojis are such a weird combo of numbers and shit. Fucking crazy.

Other than coding, I played stardew myself!! I guess today I just felt really motivated or maybe it's because Im actually front today lol. Either way I'm really proud of my progress so far!! I'm getting everyone on board, and I see even Dude posted!! GO DUDE!! He and I need to do a talent swap /j/. I wish I could do poetry like he could.. But that's it for now! Maybe I'll post another update today! who knows!



TWS: Weed abuse

Man, I had to push myself to do this shit. I don't have nearly half of the coding skills as Noah does, which means it looks like fucking jibberish to me. Like what the fuck is target blank and what does it do??? It's so weird.

Today has been boring. More Stardew Valley, more sitting and rotting. It's the same existence as always. We've been wanting to quit smoking weed lately. Like all together, and not just to being a 'normal' smoker. We're just tired of being controlled by a substance. Like it's different when it's caffiene or energy drinks because thats like a self medicated ADHD med, but the pot drains us, makes our head fuzzy. For a long time we weren't sure if we had DID or if it was just the weed dissociation. Which, Weed just makes our switches more 'painless'. Meaning that it is less blackout amnesia, and a smoother transition. If you don't get it, Im sorry. Im not the one to explain this shit to you... Anyways we wanted to quit weed bc it dictates our life right now, and it's starting to piss us of-- Piss me off.

Whatever, I'm done for now. I have to try and see if I can do the 30 days of DID thing... its a lot of fucking work for me right now.

Wow! Lookie Here


This is the first actual 'post' on this blog, and it's mostly to give updates on it!! So far this blog is probably 30% finished, and I intend to have other, seperate neocities for things such as my fantasy project, or our collective horror projects. It's,,, going to be a lot LOL, but I think it'll be worth it in the end. If that makes sense. I've been coding for more than a few years now, and it's starting to come easier, but Im still stuck on templates, which is why the about us and links is taking so damn long!!

I intended on doing this little challenge called the 30 days of DID, but I've decided to move that specifically to my tumblr because,,, it'll make rereading them more easy as I try to figure out how to link back to specific diary entries... ANYWAYS,,, Yeah. First blog post!!! Lets gooo!!!