5/10/2024
TW: Animal Maltreatment
Blurry
Man, the body's brother is a train wreck of a human being, and in the worst way possible. So he hit a deer, right? Normal stuff for where I live, but it TOTALED his car. An obvious reason to be upset, like no shit, BUT BRO PROCEEDS TO KICK MY CAT BECAUSE OF IT. My little boy was walking just a little too slow for him so he kicked him away. Not nicely either [as if there is a nice way to kick a cat]. And all I can do is grit my teeth and try not to cry at being a bad cat parent because should I act out of line, I'm fucked. My brother isn't a good person. This isn't new behavior for him- he treats animal like shit always, but it feels so sickening to not be able to do anything. The nuance of this situation that I dont fully put out there is what makes it so I can't just willy nilly tell him to stop or tell some sort of authority. It really sucks. It really really sucks
On the other hand, asides my terrible 'brother kicking cat' moment, I made a new friend recently, and it's been nice! At the same time, it's been really terrible. On one hand, its something I've wanted for a long time: a good friend, but on the other, it's that the more I open up, the more I want to run. The more I want to pick up and run. I still have the remnants of the me before me that is not kind, that is not a good person - When you've been taught to be a bad person, its not easy to unlearn, and by the gods, I still feel like I am at that old place I was... I feel like I'm still that terrible abuser, I feel like I am not worthy of a friend, let alone a good one. The isolation feels deserved now that I have a friend, rather than the agonizing loneliness it was. Why? Is this just more programming shit or is there a logical reasoning for it? Idk, and Idk if I will find out.
My appointment to see if I need another surgery comes up, and it really fucking sucks. I think Im going to need more surgeries, and that means Im just stuck with these people for so much longer- At least 6months, upwards of a year... I pray not, but I would need miraculous healing at this point...
5/6/2024
Clyde
So, I'm a new split. As in, like, a real new split. Maybe by a couple days or so. Lovin' it here so far, but I do hold a few reservations about the wya things are run around here.
For starters, the anxiety with talkin' to others... Like I know the body has AvPD, but good god is it real annoying to have this constant overwhelming anxiety with every social interaction. I'm able to tune it out most of tha time, but it's hard to when you have a symptom holder as a host [I am looking at the ENTIRE Bugz Subsystem]. The gatekeepers, 'specially the main one, kinda freak me out. They don't seem like inherently nice folk... and what is up with the apathy ingrained in the body? Why do we just.. not care? Has time really worn us all down as a collective or somethin'? Kind of fucked up honestly
One could consider me an ANP. I'm dissociated from the trauma, especially the incident that split me, but that doesn't mean I don't see our trauma's impacts on the collective- on me, as 'fresh' as I am. I'm not keen on knowin' what we've been thru, but I do wish that things were different. I want to care about someone, dote on them, but how am I supposed to do that when no one gets close to us? Someone else is speakin' here, but no one really takes tha time to get to know us, care about us. We haven't had a true friend, in half a year, and even longer for a real life friend. I want to get close to someone, maybe more than the others. It's just hard, it's ingrained in our mind, our bones. Even though I forgot, the body didn't
I'm not even sure how to meet folks, and have them engage with us and not just block us when we don't respond. We have one person who is not like that, but I can tell we aren't close to them like we want to be with someone. The internal desire to be vulnerable with someone, but the grippin' fear of being vulnerable. It's all so futile, when faces are always comin' and goin', but I refuse to have it be that way. I want to spite this anxiety that grips my core, but it'll take sum time. not only for me, but the others as well... Drabble over.
4/29/2024
Noah
OH. MY. GOD. I got SO much done today, coding wise. I am literally so proud of myself, I can't rn. I broke my back making the about us section, and all I need to do now is add photos, the data, and all that fun stuff... but holy shit?? most of that was from scratch... I seriously had moments where I was getting angry at the code because I was like ''WHY DONT YOU WORK'', but I got it figured out. Also, I'm so weirded out the fact emojis are such a weird combo of numbers and shit. Fucking crazy.
Other than coding, I played stardew myself!! I guess today I just felt really motivated or maybe it's because Im actually front today lol. Either way I'm really proud of my progress so far!! I'm getting everyone on board, and I see even Dude posted!! GO DUDE!! He and I need to do a talent swap /j/. I wish I could do poetry like he could.. But that's it for now! Maybe I'll post another update today! who knows!
4/28/2024
Dude
TWS: Weed abuse
Man, I had to push myself to do this shit. I don't have nearly half of the coding skills as Noah does, which means it looks like fucking jibberish to me. Like what the fuck is target blank and what does it do??? It's so weird.
Today has been boring. More Stardew Valley, more sitting and rotting. It's the same existence as always. We've been wanting to quit smoking weed lately. Like all together, and not just to being a 'normal' smoker. We're just tired of being controlled by a substance. Like it's different when it's caffiene or energy drinks because thats like a self medicated ADHD med, but the pot drains us, makes our head fuzzy. For a long time we weren't sure if we had DID or if it was just the weed dissociation. Which, Weed just makes our switches more 'painless'. Meaning that it is less blackout amnesia, and a smoother transition. If you don't get it, Im sorry. Im not the one to explain this shit to you... Anyways we wanted to quit weed bc it dictates our life right now, and it's starting to piss us of-- Piss me off.
Whatever, I'm done for now. I have to try and see if I can do the 30 days of DID thing... its a lot of fucking work for me right now.
Wednesday? No, its Saturday.
4/26/2024
Noah
TWS: Disordered Eating, sidesystem mention
It's been a really boring, slow day. My mom worked today and got off early, which always throws my internal clock off. My body goes into this 'it's dinner time' mode which always makes me continuously eat. I'd say binge, but if it is, it's on the milder side of the slider scale... It's taken us a while to not to tho! We actually used to have a really hard time even remembering when we ate, and because of our past history with restrictive EDs, we have a hard time telling when we're hungry. So then it would lead to us over eating because of,, , well, a lot of different reasons LOL
That's not the only thing I want to talk about though! I would be amiss if it was lol. We did the 30 days of DID thing on our tumblr! It was a bit hard to get into some of the stuff, like admitting I have a suspected sidesystem. That's been tough to come to terms with, honestly, and we aren't going to call ourself anything other than a 'polyfragmented DID system'. It's just kind of hard to admit you went through stuff your mind, let alone others, cant comprehend. I don't like or want to talk about it, so this post, here and on tumblr, are probably going to be the only mentions ever!
I play a lot of Stardew Valley these days as I wait for my surgery appointment. It's kind of fun, and on my current farm I'm working towards perfection. Mr. Qi reminds me a lot of myself when I was deep into the conditioning we still are working to decustruct. Something like that, but it reminds me of the feeling of being meant for something greater, perfection even. A feeling in your bones that you cant stop thinking about. I don't know things r getting blurry. I guess that's it for now then
Wow! Lookie Here
4/26/2024
This is the first actual 'post' on this blog, and it's mostly to give updates on it!! So far this blog is probably 30% finished, and I intend to have other, seperate neocities for things such as my fantasy project, or our collective horror projects. It's,,, going to be a lot LOL, but I think it'll be worth it in the end. If that makes sense. I've been coding for more than a few years now, and it's starting to come easier, but Im still stuck on templates, which is why the about us and links is taking so damn long!!
I intended on doing this little challenge called the 30 days of DID, but I've decided to move that specifically to my tumblr because,,, it'll make rereading them more easy as I try to figure out how to link back to specific diary entries... ANYWAYS,,, Yeah. First blog post!!! Lets gooo!!!